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REBEL TOY
Hates bad grammar, angst, and bad love stories. Loves WAFF, humor, and smut.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: men/boys written to act like teenaged girls.

LEATHER DADDY
I'm always finding the worst fics and purposely inflicting them on myself... and others. XD
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Fangirl Japanese.

MIDNIGHT MUTATION
Hates seeing overdone cliches, characters that aren't in-character, and plot holes large enough to stuff the author's entire high school class in.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Fic writers that ignore the established canon without a damn good reason to.

PINK FREAK
Likes fun smut (and non-smut too) that keeps people in character. Hates many things including crying, JP in English fics, and the overemphasis of virginity.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: after much consideration, probably the usage of Japanese in a fic that is not a JP fic.

VICIOUS BABY
Hates crybabies, the inability to use a spellchecker, Mary-Sue characters, and random, unexplained out-of-character behavior. Loves smut (PWP if it's handled right,) cheeze, original fics, satire fics, and comedies.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Mary-Sue characters

FERAL CHEEKS
Hates out-of-character being passed off as in-character, glaring cultural anachronisms, authors making comments inside their own stories.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Overwrought descriptions (my, those melting chocolate eyes sound... tasty, I guess)

GILDED FANTASY
Hates complete irreverance for canon and plausibility, out of canon relationships/ romance, angst. Likes well-written serious vingettes, parody and comedy.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Gundam Wing Yaoi (subject to change)

PURPLE OUTCAST
Hates out of character fics, self insertion/mary-sue fics, lack of character development and plot. Likes: When fic writers use logic.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Those perfect mary-sue characters, my... they're so perfect why angst?

ELECTRIC DESIRE
Hates mpreg, OOC, fanon, etc. Likes in-character fic, and proper use of grammar, spell-check, and hopefully at least one beta-reader.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Fanon fic. Series/game? What series/game? That only impairs my fic...


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Rurouni Kenshin :: Kimi Wa Dare Wo Mamotte Iru

Reviewed By: Pink Freak

SCORE
CHARACTERIZATION: 4/5 (Kenshin bugged me, but Kaoru was dead-on)
PLOT: 3/5 (not much to say, it's another PWP)
WRITING: 3/5 (overwritten in places, but completely understandable)
HISSHA GA NIHONGO WO TSUKAISUGICHATTA: 5/5

You may notice that this fic is not an utter piece of crap like many of the other ones that have been reviewed on this site. My scoring of it pretty clearly shows that I'm fully willing to admit that the writing doesn't totally suck, the characterization is pretty good, and the plot, for what it is, is not bad at all - the setup for the lemon scene is pretty good and decently justified. Portions of the lemon scene itself rubbed me the wrong way (no pun intended) but overall, while I laughed at this fic and wondered why everyone loves it the way they do, it didn't make me reach for my revolver.

"But Pink Freak, if the fic doesn't blow, why are you reviewing it on Slap To The Head?" Well, gentle reader, I am using this fic as an example, because it is a very, very good example of how the overuse of Fangirl Japanese can completely ruin what might be an otherwise decent fic. While 90% of fangirls probably don't give a shit about Fangirl Japanese since they also overuse it without regard, it is one of my personal pet peeves.

Have you ever laughed at the ridiculous English on Japanese food products, clothing, or in Japanese music? In the case of food and clothes, the English is on there because the characters look pretty to the Japanese people, not because they want to put a good explanation of the product in English or to actually make a statement to English speakers. As for music, more often than not, said English makes no sense and really adds nothing to the meaning of the song - usually, it's just repeating what was previously said in Japanese. What purpose this serves, I'm not sure, since most of the Japanese singers aren't out to prove how excellent their English pronounciation is. I think it's just because they want to appear elite and cool.

Now think about that ridiculous Engrish, and consider Fangirl Japanese. It's pretty much the same thing, isn't it? The people who are putting this Japanese in their fics most likely do not speak Japanese, and they probably don't read Japanese outside of hiragana and about 20 kanji. Okay, I take that back. They probably haven't finished first year Japanese yet. Fangirl Japanese rarely makes sense, it doesn't add anything to the plot or characterization, and it doesn't make a statement. Also, it frequently just repeats something that was previously said in English, proving that yes, the author is elite and cool and CAN draw Japanese words out of their fansubbed tapes. Congratulations, have a cookie. Fangirl Japanese makes me laugh at the idiocy of the producer in the same way that Japanese Engrish makes me laugh at whoever decided "Naughty Girl In Park" was a good phrase to stick on a pencil case that has teddy bears all over it.

On to the meat of the fic. It's basically a WAFF PWP between Kenshin and Kaoru, set after the end of the manga. Therefore there are massive spoilers in the fic, and also in this review, so I suppose you might not want to read this review if you don't want the end of the RK manga spoiled. Kenshin has returned from fighting Enishi, and Megumi has patched up his wounds. In the meantime, Kaoru wanders about aimlessly, standing around in Kenshin's bedroom looking at the bed in which they had done the wild thing about three weeks ago. She angsts about various different things, including things that Megumi has said to her, the way that Kenshin treats her, and the way Kenshin treats himself. While the descriptions are over-written in some places, it's not a bad scene - Kaoru is an overly-mushy character anyway, so it's quite feasible that she'd do this. Anyway, Kaoru gets in bed next to Kenshin, and hugs him. Aww. Warm fuzzies.

However, Fangirl Japanese is sprinkled throughout, making me twitch. So he's an idiot - say he's an idiot in English, because dropping "Kenshin no baka" in the middle of an otherwise decently-written sentence ruins whatever point you were trying to make. Instead of paying attention to the content of the paragraph, I'm instead wincing at the useless Japanese.

The POV switches over to Kenshin now, who is coming out of a sedated sleep. He's all patched up and muses about completion, the end of pain, and other sorts of lovey-dovey things related to Kaoru. Basically, she's the best thing that ever happened to him. Hm, what happened to Tomoe? Whatever, though - I'm not here to argue the Kaoru vs. Tomoe thing. Kaoru's hair smells like jasmine. Why, I'm not sure, probably because it adds to the Harlequin Romance Novel style of this scene. Overwritten as it is, the scene isn't bad...

...until Kenshin opens his mouth and starts Sessha-ing. As far as I'm concerned, saying "sessha" instead of "me" or "I" adds nothing to the fic other than the author puffing out their chest and saying, "I can understand what Kenshin says in my fansubs!" The first two instances of "sessha" aren't too offensive - the real kickers come in later. Oh yeah, and then Kenshin starts crying. We all know how desperately sexy it is when a man cries. This makes the fic slide into hurt/comfort, which in this case is like an extra kick in the kidneys, since I'm already suffering from the blood clots that are Fangirl Japanese.

Once Kenshin stops weeping like a girl, he explains the whole Kaoru-is-dead-oh-wait-no-she's-not issue, in which his sessha-ing becomes painful.

"It is where sessha lived-- iya," he paused, shaking his head sharply, denying his choice of words. "Sessha existed there for almost two weeks after Enishi's attack on the dojo."

Just replace "sessha" with "I" and these three sentences regain their meaning instead of making me slap my head in disgust. There's no point in pointing out that Kenshin says "sessha" in this fic. The only time where that's at all necessary is when he's flipping between Battousai and Rurouni, and he's not doing that, except for part of the sex scene in which Battousai jumps in because we all know he can screw you 10 times better than any stupid Rurouni can. Also, Kenshin does not refer to himself throughout the fic as "sessha" - usually, he does use "I", so it seems incredibly silly for him to be using it in one sentence, where it adds absolutely nothing to the story or characterization.

Back to the plot. Kenshin tells Kaoru about finding her "dead body" in the dojo. Kaoru screams "doushite" a lot during this time, while Kenshin gasps and struggles and shudders through his sentences. More overwriting on the author's part - I honestly can't imagine this scene too well. Kenshin seemed to tell the Tomoe story in the manga pretty well without bursting into tears or losing the ability to speak, and she actually DIED. Kaoru made it back okay. Kenshin starts sobbing again, and so does Kaoru. Now, the characterization starts falling apart for me a bit here - yeah, I know he cried in the manga when he found her body, but by this point, I think a big strong man like Kenshin is going to be able to control himself and NOT cry like a little girl. Kaoru IS a little girl, so I'd expect her to start crying - hell, she does enough of that in the manga - but Kenshin isn't that much of a weakling. I think crying men are just nice and easy to comfort, and therefore needing to be kissed and sexed back into shape. For what it's worth, I'd be reacting exactly the same way if he were sobbing into Sanosuke or Saitou's shoulder. Ladies, Kenshin is a man, an adult man, even though he doesn't look it sometimes. There is a penis between them there thighs. Let's not forget that.

Oh, more Fangirl Japanese. Demo, Shikashi, Datte. NEEDLESS. What's wrong with the word "but", I ask? I kinda like it, myself. Not only does it get the point across, it does not require a Japanese - English dictionary, because the people reading your fic are ENGLISH SPEAKERS, not Japanese speakers. Oh, and he calls her Koishii, which I find to be disgustingly smarmy...although this may just be my aversion to overwritten WAFF talking.

They keep talking about the consequences of Enishi's actions and also Kenshin's. Both eventually stop weeping like children, but Kenshin continues to beat himself up and take all kinds of personal responsibility for everything that happened. Kaoru is annoyed at him for doing this, and so am I. I'm also annoyed at the author, because I don't really think Kenshin would be so hard on himself. It's like Aoshi being cheerful or Iori being WAFFy. While they're both capable of it in small quantities, this overblown gushing and self-abuse makes me want to kick Kenshin in the head, not get my freak on with him. He also starts in with the "I Don't Deserve Your Love" crap, which is also annoying as all hell. Why doesn't he deserve her love? Kenshin is a GOOD GUY. Sure, he killed people in the past. But that was his job, you know? The times called for it. Saitou also killed a bunch of people. So did Hiko. So did most of the samurai back in those days...and do you see them laying around whining about how they don't deserve love? NO. Hell, Saitou fears his wife. :D I don't think Watsuki ever intended Kenshin to be portrayed as such an out-and-out feminized wussy, but if that's how the fans want to see him, then I feel kind of bad for both Kenshin and Watsuki alike.

LOTS of Japanese in the upcoming lemon scene. Gomen, Dame, Yamero, way too many Onegais, and more Sessha. And since none of these words have a good English equivalent, it's a good idea to just leave them in Japanese, right? I'm meither a Japanese person nor an expert on the language, but I personally think that "yamero" is a bit too strong to be saying to Kaoru when all you want her to do is stop blowing you so you can Wait For Her To Come Too. Yamero is the kind of thing you say when someone's grabbing your ass on the train and you want to stop before you have to slap them in the face. Oh, and FWIW...you would say "kou" and not "sou" when you're asking someone if that's how they want to be touched. If you think I'm being too picky, then screw off - because I think that whatever language you're going to use in your fic, you have the responsibility to not fuck it up. Fangirls feed off each other, using each other's terms and phrases. So when a fangirl whose fic is VERY popular fucks up Japanese phrases, other fangirls start using them in their fucked-up phases, and what was an isolated case becomes an epidemic.

The sex scene is mushy and WAFFy, but it's not massively offensive - there are two things that bother me about it, though. First of all, Kenshin was in so much pain that he needed sedatives earlier, but now he's all ready to fuck? Uh. He's got stitches, and his arm is in a sling. His wounds haven't even healed from his first fight with Enishi, and he's got fresh wounds on top of that. This sounds to me like the WRONG TIME TO BE SCREWING. Okay, sure, I can see Kaoru wanting to kiss him and make him all better. But really, it seems to make more sense for them to actually stop at kissing. It's almost tacky for them to be having sex at this time. Wait a week or two for his pain to subside and for Kenshin to get over the risk of ripping open his stitches. Hell, she could actually just stop at blowing him. Having sex is kind of exhausting, you know? It's definetly not what I'd want to do after having my ass kicked and then getting sewed back up. I'm not going to go into the little details of why the sex scene bothers me because I think it might end up being a case of TMI, but there are things about it that make me wonder if the author has ever actually seen or touched a real wanker.

Secondly, his insistence that they Come Together, and his complete and utter disappointment when they don't is laughable. Just when we thought Kenshin wasn't going to beat himself up anymore, he starts to go off on himself for commiting the severe crime of coming before Kaoru does. Whatever. That's all I have to say. The author actually APOLOGIZES for Kenshin's lack of stamina in the notes at the end of the fic. I'm perplexed - I mean, she'd been giving him head and had almost brought him off once, and now he's supposed to hold out for another 20 minutes or so? Just because the man has almost godlike prowess in battle does not mean that he's invincible, nor does it mean that he has the infinite ability to wait for her to get her jollies. He does her the favor of getting her off afterwards, instead of rolling over and going to sleep, which should say something about his existence as the Perfect Man. I love you, you complete me. The End.

And then there's the Index Of Japanese Terms! Yeah, there's so much Japanese in this fic that it needs a damn glossary. Let this be advice to all the fic authors out there - when you use so much Japanese in your fic that it needs a vocabulary list, it's time to rethink your strategy. If I'm reading a fic that requires me to use a Japanese - English dictionary to assemble a vocabulary list, I'd better be reading a fic IN JAPANESE.

Sessha felt that overall, this fic was daijoubu. Datte, sumanu, could you yamero with the Nihongo? Doushite? It's dame. Sessha mo like Japanese, shikashi, when I read a fic IN ENGLISH, I want to see English words, not English sentences with Japanese phrases shoved in where they don't belong. Please, fangirls. Stop with the Japanese before I have to pull out my can of whoopass. Onegaisuru.

This slap to the head was administered at 08:22 a.m. on Tuesday, December 4, 2001.