Slap to the Head Fanfiction Reviews

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Have you ever read a fanfic that was popular and yet really bad? Did you make fun of it with your friends, complain about it in chat, but not dare to say anything about it in public because pissy authors and their friends will send you spam and flames instead of admitting their work isn't perfect? Well, we're not putting up with that anymore.

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WHO THE HELL ARE WE?
Just a group of fangirls who have a duty. Our ranks grow in number daily! In order to help you figure out why we might have given a fic the review we did, or to assist you in properly flaming/debating with one of us, here are our pseudonyms and bios. (Note: we do not review our own writing; it's too hard to be objective. However, we may review each other's writing.)

REBEL TOY
Hates bad grammar, angst, and bad love stories. Loves WAFF, humor, and smut.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: men/boys written to act like teenaged girls. LEATHER DADDY
I'm always finding the worst fics and purposely inflicting them on myself... and others.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Fangirl Japanese. MIDNIGHT MUTATION
Hates seeing overdone cliches, characters that aren't in-character, and plot holes large enough to stuff the author's entire high school class in.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Fic writers that ignore the established canon without a damn good reason to. PINK FREAK
Likes fun smut (and non-smut too) that keeps people in character. Hates many things including crying, JP in English fics, and the overemphasis of virginity.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: after much consideration, probably the usage of Japanese in a fic that is not a JP fic. VICIOUS BABY
Hates crybabies, the inability to use a spellchecker, Mary-Sue characters, and random, unexplained out-of-character behavior. Loves smut (PWP if it's handled right,) cheeze, original fics, satire fics, and comedies.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Mary-Sue characters FERAL CHEEKS
Hates out-of-character being passed off as in-character, glaring cultural anachronisms, authors making comments inside their own stories.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Overwrought descriptions (my, those melting chocolate eyes sound... tasty, I guess) GILDED FANTASY
Hates complete irreverance for canon and plausibility, out of canon relationships/ romance, angst. Likes well-written serious vingettes, parody and comedy.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Gundam Wing Yaoi (subject to change) PURPLE OUTCAST
Hates out of character fics, self insertion/mary-sue fics, lack of character development and plot. Likes: When fic writers use logic.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Those perfect mary-sue characters, my... they're so perfect why angst? ELECTRIC DESIRE
Hates mpreg, OOC, fanon, etc. Likes in-character fic, and proper use of grammar, spell-check, and hopefully at least one beta-reader.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Fanon fic. Series/game? What series/game? That only impairs my fic... VELVET VENUS
Hates male characters turned into teenage girls, implausible relationships with no justification, OOC, stories that skimp on plot just to get to the smut. Likes parody, UST and smut. XD
#1 Fanfic Peeve: You are the uke, therefore your lose all character traits and turn into a crying little virgin. LUNAR LOVE
Likes: intelligent smut, intelligent comedy, intelligent grammar and spelling choices, intelligence in general. Hates: ...well, everything else. Including you and your fic. Go away.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Any fanfic that has obviously not been spellchecked. Respect your own damn output a little, people.
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Sankyu!

Ranma 1/2: Pop Goes The Ranma

Reviewed by: Leather Daddy

SCORING:
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (characterization wasn't the point of this fic.)
PLOT: 0/5 (I think there was a plot, but...?)
WRITING: 4/5 (actually, better than average, IMHO. I could hear the squeaking noises in my head, to my despair.)
PEOPLE SHOVING ENTIRE BODY PARTS WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE: 6/5 (I think that was where I started fearing for my sanity.)

NOTE!! (3/8/02) There will be a new review fairly soon. I'm sorry, it'll probably be one of mine, unless our new member Lunar Love posts hers soon. I'm sorry for the long delays between posts; I post mine, and I'd feel bad to be the only one doing the posting. But nobody has written another yet, so...please have patience. I'll write another. There'll just have to be two reviews in a row by Leather Daddy. Sorry about that.

Before I start with this fic, I would encourage you all to read Rebel Toy's Chrono Cross fic review. It was only up for two days before I hogged the index again, it's very funny, and she's put out a call for guest reviewers. SO READ IT! That's a direct order from your Mistress of Pain, Leather Daddy.

Call this Leather Daddy: Insomnia Edition. I've passed from the tired to the bitter to the sadistic stage of exhaustion, and I thought you all deserved the fic I'm about to review. I tested it out on a few of my friends first, and it reduced them to babbling incoherency. I think that's a good sign.

Warning: The following fic is a LEMON. I'm the Golden Retriever of Weird Porn. But it's not really the sex that's the mind-melting part of this fic, or even the writing itself, which is decent; it's just the entire...premise. I shouldn't be surprised at the things I find on fanfiction.net, but the great archive of crap never fails me when I need it.

The author's disclaimer warns that this may be the weirdest Ranma sexfic ever. No - that would probably be those werewolf Kuno epics, or the Kuno/Kodachi snuff lemon involving unauthorized uses of Kuno's bokken and lightning-fast techniques, which actually provoked a wince out of me on behalf of all womankind. It wasn't so much the use of a bokken as a dildo - it was the description of the tip being visible in her open mouth at the end, jammed through the roof of her mouth...I'll change the subject, shall I? This fic is up there. I would even put it in that unholy trinity of Fucked-Up Ranma Fic. Very well; I consider myself forewarned.

It starts off with Akane and Ranko visiting a street fair. A handsome masked man with long black hair offers Ranko a humanoid balloon, and Ranko skips off with it, forgetting the cardinal rule of lemon fics: NEVER EVER ACCEPT GIFTS FROM MYSTERIOUS STRANGERS. The gifts usually turn out to be some kind of super-Spanish-Fly. (I'm not sure what the other rules are, actually - if the water starts bubbling or moving weirdly, get out of the water? Everyone grows up to become a porn king/queen, get used to it? There's always a hidden camera? I don't know. What are your suggestions, dear readers?)

So Ranko is skipping along with this balloon-girl when she tries to pinch it, and her fingers stick to it. She uses both hands to try to pull free, but it pops and starts dissolving into her...making Ranko terrified, yet oddly aroused.

Seeing Akane move closer, hands raised, Ranma waved her off. "Don't touch me!" She shuddered, feeling a strange feeling move down through her flesh under her skin of the covered area... it was both unbelievably strange and also, somehow, erotic at the same time.

Oh come on. Have you ever tried to wriggle out of a rubber bodysuit in a hurry, or even a leotard or a particularly tight swimcap? Your thought isn't, "Oh---me so horny!" It's more like, "MotherFUCKER, it's WAXING ME!"

Anyways, the Mysterious Masked Man appears with a needle - it was Mousse! Oh, how surprising. Akane floors Mousse with a punch and bitchslaps him (threatening to dig Mousse's eyes out with the shards of his own broken glasses - youch! Was Akane THIS violent in the manga or anime?) until Mousse admits that he used some kind of Living Balloon spell to be able to beat Ranma. Akane bitchslaps Mousse until he gives them the rubber-clad book with the details of the spell in it and then he passes out. I guess in theory it's a pretty clever way to beat Ranma, but we all know that the point of this fic isn't on how Mousse tried to beat Ranma. This backstory is just one giant excuse to turn Ranma into a living Dutch Wife. Yes it is. At least no one's pretending that it's anything but that.

And just think, that's not the weirdest bit of the story. Aren't you excited?

Scene shift. Ranma's at home, staring at his balloon-body, thinking that the book said there was no cure, but there were ways to 'live with this condition'. He can see the wall through his body, yet he's wearing a kimono still. Is he wearing some kind of shrink-wrap kimono now, or is he just staring through his own head? Changing the word from 'body' to 'head' would help a bit there. He takes off his kimono - why am I calling him 'him'? - She takes off her kimono, and without the weight of the cloth holding her down, she bounces around all over the place like a superball. Finally she gets control of herself and floats back to the window, where the author takes several paragraphs to lust over her rubbery attributes. Judging by the description, she wasn't just turned into a Rubber Ranko, she really WAS turned into Dutch Ranko. She has perfectly spherical antigravity breasts and enormous, constantly erect nipples. Apparently playing with your nipples is just that much sexier when both your boobs and your fingers are made of cheap latex. She also has no navel now, the author points out. Well...that's....interesting, I guess. What was the point of that random detail? Remember, only include details if they're relevant! If someone wants to fuck her navel later and can't, THEN there would be a point to mentioning that Dutch Ranko has no navel.

Now I'm curious. Do real inflatable sex toys have navels? I never really noticed. Someone tell me.

So Ranko's lusting after herself in the mirror for the benefit of the reader, and I suppose right now everyone is supposed to have one hand in their pants, or at least one hand in my pants. But somehow the description of how Dutch Ranko's ass is semi-translucent so that you can see her asshole through her asscheeks is making me laugh too hard.

Actually, let's think about this. Ranko's translucent, right, so you can see right through her. That means that she has to have some kind of - well - invagination - for her vagina so that a dick can go in. Because she's a balloon. But then her ass must also have the same invagination, which means that instead of just a sexy hole through her translucent butt, you can see her sexy, sexy large intestine!

You would think she'd want to be opaque after thinking about that.

So naked Dutch Ranko hasn't given us enough of a peepshow, so now it's time for a bath! She heads for the bath, and walks in just as Ryouga walks out, all dripping wet and naked. Why is Ryouga using the Tendo dojo's bath? Why's he taking a bath anyways? Why didn't he at least put on a towel? Who knows? Who cares? It's a lemon! So Ryouga aks Ranma what the hell is wrong with her, and she explains. Interestingly, her breasts deflate and inflate with her breathing. Why? How does she breathe? To stay inflated, she has to be completely sealed!

Ahhh, I need to stop thinking so hard.

Ryouga reaches for her, and instead of popping her, he feels her cheek with a sqeeeeeeeaky noise. Then he starts to quiver, and gets an insta-erection. Maybe it's inflatable too, or he's got an internal washing machine and the agitator's started.

But the blood didn't seem to be rushing to Ryoga's nose; his cock seemed to have sprung to life the moment he touched her, very long, and almost visibly throbbing. Ranma's eyes widened, her puffy nipples sticking out even further, a strange sensation racing across her skin, seeming to come to rest around her strange new slit, a slickness forming amidst her rubbery folds.

Okay, so the magic spell makes her get wet when someone nearly pops her with their erection? That reminds me of the weird spells Harry Potter slashficcers make up to justify how wizards don't need to mess with tubes and jars. "Lubricio!" and all that. I wonder if guys really think that girls get wet by condensation or something. Glands are involved, fellas.

I would also like to point out that a vagina is not a 'strange new slit' for Ranko. Hello, he's been switching genders for quite a while now, I'm sure he's made acquaintance with his vagina before. Although weirdly enough, ficcers like to pretend that Ranko closes her eyes when she washes and ties her hands behind her back in bed, so that she's completely ignorant of her own plumbing by the time some guy or girl sexes her up. Even lemon ficcers do this. Honestly, if a real teenage boy suddenly developed the ability to change into a girl, he wouldn't leave his room except to eat and pee. At least for the first week or so.

Now the author starts skipping all the background and plot and tries to hurry us straight to the sex. Guess they got tired of pretending that there was a logical reason for this. For your benefit, I'll summarize it:

So Ryouga picks up Dutch Ranko and starts trying to wriggle her onto his dick. The author describes it as like putting on " a condom that was a size too small." I'm sorry, but if he's that hard and she's this tight clingy rubber sheath, that must be...UNCOMFORTABLE, perhaps? God...the rubber burn...*shiver* Then we get this charming description: " instead of heaving with her breaths, her breasts inflated and deflated, increasing one or even two cup sizes with each breath." Again, she can't breathe if she's a sealed balloon-girl! And wouldn't it just be WEIRD to be trying to have sex with something whose boobs kept inflating and deflating like bellows?

So Ryouga's gritting his teeth, squeeeeeeeeaking her onto his cock with the difficulty of someone trying to wriggle into wet jeans. Finally, he felt himself sheathed completely in her clinging, rubbery, wet tightness, her balloonish buttocks pressing against his balls firmly. I just have no words, except to hope that Ryouga never works in Disneyworld.

So they have wild balloon-sex, with Ryouga sliding Dutch Ranko up and down his wang. Funny, he had such trouble getting her on there, and now it's slip'n'slide? Ryouga comes, and his 'seed' spurts all over her hollow insides. Sorry; it's just the inside of that little tube-vagina of yours, Ranko. She also orgasms, in whatever way balloon-girls orgasm.

"Panting, feeling Ranma's latex pussy finally stop trying to milk him dry long past the point where he was, Ryoga drew her off of him with a long, wet squeak. Righting her and pulling her to him, her breasts pancaking against his chest, green eyes met sparkling, amazed blue ones."

The first clause kind of gets confused; you mean that the pussy was trying to milk him dry long past the point he WAS dry, right? And I could really have lived without the 'long, wet squeak' sound effect. I also want to know how her breasts 'pancake' like that. The air has to be displaced somewhere. So, when you hug her hard enough to squish her breasts, does her head swell into the shape of a watermelon, or does her ass bulge out?

Fast forward another week or so. They've been having mad monkey sex, and as a result, Ranko's become more solid and even more of a slutty cum-absorbing balloon whore. She also has developed some other interesting feeding habits.

"Hmmming, she decided to grab a snack before heading into the furo. Bending over, balloony little ass wiggling as she opened one of the cabinets below the sink and rifled around. 'Now, wherrrre is Kasumi's secret stash of condoms...? Aha!' Nabbing several of the contraceptives, Ranma stood and opened them up, almost leering. Being this way had begun to be almost as much of a turn-on for her as it was for Ryoga. Ripping open the packages and tossing them in the trash, Ranma popped the latex sheathes into her mouth like potato chips, and chewed out of habit, though it really didn't much matter. She swallowed, feeling the lumps of the condoms slide down her throat; due to her increased transparency, she watched them as well, as they dropped into her emptiness and slid around to find resting places, then slowly dissolving, turning into darker spots on her skin that spread out slowly, until her entire body was a shade more opaque. Smirking and patting her stomach, Ranma turned her opacity back as far as it would go, then bounced into the furo room.

That's right. Ranko eats condoms to give her body more substance. Now, how exactly do semen and latex both solidify her body? Semen is mostly fatty acids and sugars (to fuel the sperm, not to make it taste good, as a sex-ed classmate suggested long ago). If you're interested in knowing exactly what's in semen, go here. Natural rubber is a little trickier; it's a bit of a protein/lipid mix. But that's neither here nor there - THIS IS A LEMON FIC! (Kasumi's secret condom hoard...)

So Dutch Ranko jiggles into the bath; she's changed her external appearance to have purple hair, dark skin, and silver eyes. Oooookay. She changes back soon, though. That was a pointless side-note. Ryouga's there, all wet and sweaty already, and it's time for some more sex!

She tossed her towel onto the sideboard, then hopped into the furo, landing on top of the water and floating around like a pool toy. Ranma closed her eyes for a moment, relaxing the muscles she'd been practicing, and felt her "rear vent" open and allow the water to rush in. Ranma slowly sank as the air inside of her was replaced with water, the level visibly rising up inside her like a water balloon (well, EXACTLY like a water balloon). Ryoga watched appreciatively as Ranma let herself be stretched by the water entering her, guiding the way her form filled out, resulting in what, out of the furo, would be a much taller, leggier, and older Ranma-chan, looking like an elegant woman in her early twenties rather than a girl in her teens.

I...am not following this at all. So Ranko's hollow all the way through, but then how does she stay inflated? Does she have two layers of rubber, then? And she's letting water in her ass, I understand that much, but....but...

Anyways, Ranko has an idea for new balloon sex-play. "I heard in psychology class that men have deep, dark secret dreams about returning to the womb..."

You can run away now, reader. In fact, I'd suggest it.

Still here? Your loss...

They get out of the bath, and Ryouga lies down as Ranko turns transparent again. Ranko starts shoving his foot up her hoo-hah. She gets the entire foot in. And then the other foot in. Now Ryouga's got both legs in her up to his knees, and this is turning him on, seeing his feet where her spleen should be. Ranko must be have the loosest cunt in the world. A week ago, Ryouga could barely get his dick in there, and now? Stretchy, stretchy! Ranko's 'other mouth' keeps oozing up around Ryouga's legs like some sort of demented rubber python swallowing a pig. Heh. I crack myself up unintentionally. Finally Ryouga's in there to his hips, and I'm wondering WHERE his legs are going, since she doesn't have that big a torso! Finally Ryouga can't take it anymore and fires one off into the 'water inside Ranko', which sends me into another fit of headscratching as I try to figure out why Ranko doesn't deflate or leak out her entire liquidy innards through her ass. Finally he goes all the way inside Ranko, who's moaning that "Just, please, Ryoga... I'm so full... you feel unbelievable inside me..."

...Do guys think women scream during childbirth because it FEELS SO GOOOOOOOOOOOD?

Anyways, Ryouga's curled into a fetal position inside the hideously distended Ranko, and this is supposedly some kind of maternal thing for him except he's got a giant woody from the entire process. Ranko fondles her bloated belly, and the ripples make Ryouga come again. And then we go back to maternal again. "Slowly, lulled by the all-surrounding warmth and safety and love, Ryoga was fast asleep."

Ryouga wakes up, and figures that Ranko 'gave birth' to him while he was asleep. Oh dear god. I feel sorry for Ranko.

Now, I'm not sure if this was intended to be a parody or a deliberate fic to provoke people into screaming "That's sick!!!!!" and turning to religion to save their poor brains from the horror. If it was indeed one of those, I salute you, author! You are a twisted individual after my own heart, and I am both amused and entertained. I must admit, this is truly, truly demented, and decently written, apart from all the weird plotholes.

If this were a serious fic (and there IS a fic that this one was INSPIRED by - read it here. Oh, please read it. It will scar you for life even more than this one, because in that one, the balloon is of a fox-girl, and she dissolves the guy at the end and spits him out as a rubber-boy. And he has some kind of orgy with six fox-balloon-girls at once) I am really disturbed by the things that yank people's chains. And people found this fic to be GOOD. READ THE REVIEWS. They want a sequel.

I'm not going to comment on characterization or anything that I normally would in a fic review. It seems superfluous. When you have cum-crazed balloon-girl Ranma and latex-fetishist Ryouga, there's nothing you really CAN say. ^_~

In short, this fic is fucked up beyond belief, but the author has shown enough technical expertise with English that I'd at least be willing to read more (more normal?) normal fanfic by the same author. Here's an example of how an author can have quite readable style and know how to spell and how to form grammatical sentences, and still turn out completely mind-boggling fanfics.

Plus, this fic made at least three people into babbling idiots, so it was a worthy experiment. Don't mess with the sleep-deprived. And I apologize for the Blackadder reference up there.

This slap to the head was administered at 07:53 a.m. on Saturday, February 16, 2002.